Handling Your Adopted Child's Persistant Lies
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Tips for Dealing with Compulsive Lying in Children Adopted from Foster Care
Remember that lying is part of normal development. Just because your adopted child lies doesn't make his or her lying pathological.
Don't tell lies yourself. Parents don't want to be hypocrites when dealing with this issue.
Be patient. This problem doesn't have to be solved today, this week, or even this year. It may take a long time for a child to stop lying.
Keep the communication flowing between home and school to eliminate the "my mom says" and "my teacher says" games when children lie.
Expect that relatives, baby-sitters, camp counselors, former foster care providers, and therapists will get tall tales. Professionals understand why children lie.
When dealing with children who lie, stay calm and maintain the sense of humor you've developed to help you through all aspects of the adoption.
If your child has made false allegations of abuse in the past, warn new counselors, or others of the possibility of these suggestions.
Don't tell your child's friends that he or she is a liar. This may make your child feel threatened and reinforce the lying.
Stop kids lying by not giving your child the opportunity to lie. Instead of "Did you do your homework?" say, "Show me your homework."
When asking a question, tell your child to think about the answer for five minutes before responding. If you still don't get a reasonable answer, give him or her another five minutes. This puts the child on alert, buts helps him or her retain dignity.
If your child says something dubious that you can't identify as a lie, respond with a noncommittal, "Hmmm." Kids who lie should not receive your affirmation or doubt if your are unsure.
If your child tells the truth upfront about a broken rule, make the consequences lighter. If he or she tries to lie his or her way out of punishment, make the penalty stiffer.
It's not necessary to get your child to admit to everything. If you know he or she did it, just say so and present the consequences. Remember to remain calm.
Own your own feelings. Telling a child that lying destroys your trust in him or her is far more effective that punishment.
Be realistic. You can't stop children lying by catching them in every lie, and you can't detect all lies (even if you installed a lie detector in your home), so stop trying!
If your child lies frequently and then stops lying, it will be because he or she feels strong enough to tell the truth, so work on the relationship. If you want to understand why kids lie, improve your attachment to your child through good parenting and positive child discipline, and watch the lying slowly stop.
Compliment your child and tell others about the good things that he or she does.
Teach your child how to deal with frustration and anxiety, and show him or her that compulsive lying is not the most positive way to deal with those feelings.
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Excellent point, Beth 100. I attended a training presented by a neuropsychiatric last night who pointed out that after you correct a child, you need to give them some recovery time to help them understand that you love them. This recovery time can help alleviate the fear.
Beth100 Level 5 Commenter 2 years ago
Your ideas and tips on dealing with situations involving a child to lie are good. The one major reason children, adopted, biological, step and fostered, is fear. Their fear is what causes them to lie and causes them to continue to lie. Once the cause of their fear is uncovered, and it is dealt with, the majority of these children will stop their lies.